Why we avoid problems in our life – and how not to
Do you know the feeling when you have a problem in your life that you should face, but you avoid it because it is uncomfortable and scary?
At least I am very familiar with it.
Sometimes it has been about how I feel about my work, about a relationship, or some other circumstance in my life. And because it feels uncomfortable I have avoided the topic altogether: I do not think or talk about it although deep down I know that there is something that I need to face.
The reason I avoid it is the fear I have about the consequences of accepting the truth.
This fear is based on a false belief that if I think or talk about something, then it will inevitably lead to some (specific) action or consequence. This thinking is very black and white: “either I talk about it and it leads to the things that I fear” OR “I keep it inside and pretend that the thing is not there”.
What I have understood is that thinking, talking, and acting are all separate things. I can admit something to myself, reflect on it and talk about it without it needing to lead to action.
This insight has freed me to face my inner world and also helped me open up to people about how I feel about things. When I push through the fear and admit a problem to myself, and then have the courage to talk about it to someone relieves me of so much inner pressure.
In addition to the relief, I always get perspective on the issue and start to see many new options. The “terrifying consequence” that I earlier had in mind usually isn’t the result, and much more constructive solutions come up.
So the steps I have learnt to face my inner truth and share it are:
Identify the issue that you have but have not admitted to yourself yet
Understand that what has kept it inside is fear of the (usually imaginary) consequences of opening up about it
Understand that you can reflect and talk about it without needing to do anything about it
Journal and write about the problem for yourself and/or
Talk to someone about it (a friend, therapist, coach, and/or the person directly involved in the situation)
Notice how relieving it feels to talk about something you have kept inside for so long
It may be painful for you or the other person, but it is okay. It's more important to be truthful than avoiding the truth
After you have gained some perspective you can decide later whether you want to do something about it
Many times the truth can be scary and painful but expressing it is the most loving thing we can do to both ourselves and the other person. You can start by sharing it with someone not involved in the problem like a friend, coach, or therapist. Later you can decide on whether you want to share it with the person involved.
That's what I wanted to share! Hope these ideas were useful and lead to more truthful living!
