Why pleasing is such a painful strategy to live by

Pleasing others is such a dysfunctional strategy to live by. I know this because I lived like this for most of my life.

A pleaser does not listen to themselves but constantly look around and try to mind-read what other people want and need. They think that they will get their own needs met this way: ”I do what other people want, and take care of their needs so that they will understand to take care of mine”.

Pleasers think that doing what other people want will somehow lead to what they want. But life does not work this way.

Doing something for others so that they will do something for you without agreeing on it explicitly is a kind of manipulation. A “covert contract” as Dr. Robert Glover would say. People are not mind readers. They will not fulfil your needs because you fulfilled theirs. In the long run you will just grow resentful of people not understanding what you want and need.

The only way to get your own needs met is by listening to them yourself and then communicating them to others directly. This is healthy selfishness, which will actually lead to very good things in the long run.

Contrary to what pleasers believe people actually like when other people say what they want. You become trustworthy because they know that what you say is true. When you say “yes” they know that you said it beacuse you really mean it, and not because you are afraid of saying “no” and causing a disappointment.

I actually wrote on a post-it one day “Key relationship skill: causing disappointments”. You have to be able to push through the fear of causing a disappointment. A disappointment is just a feeling, and contrary to what you believe on an emotional level, it is okay that someone feels disappointment. Most likely they will not leave you because you disappointed them. And if they do, then the relationship was not healthy to begin with.

The three skills that I have been practicing like hell are:

1. Listening to myself (asking myself constantly “what do I want?”, “What do I need?”)

2. Saying what I want and need out loud (for example: “No, I will not join tonight. I think I need some rest”, “Could you please give me a massage? I would really need one right now”, ”I’m sorry I can’t take this project right now, I have too much on my plate”)

3. Practicing not to “mind-read” (Learn to trust that the other person will tell you when they need something. And if they are not able to communicate their needs, it is not your problem).

The core emotion that drives pleasing-behaviour is fear. The fear of being seen as selfish when communicating needs. The fear of causing disappointments and then being abandoned.

This kind of logic is actually the logic of a child. A grown-up person cannot be abandoned by another - they can only be left. As a grown up your task is to take your fearful inner child on your lap and not let it define your behaviour anymore. You listen to the fear it feels and acknowledge it - but then decide what to do based on what you really want and need.

The absence of pleasing is not being a jerk, it’s just being yourself.